This is a hard blog for me to post.
However I feel, that it’s a common occurrence in today’s society. I don’t have any contact with my ‘Dad’. I use quotation marks because in my eyes he doesn’t deserve to have the title dad. – Now I bet your all thinking ‘Ooo what has he done? – Did he run off with another women, Did he get locked up?’ – Nope. Nothing quiet as interesting as that. He simply lost interest. He stopped contacting me, stopped talking to me, stopped seeing me altogether. – What an idiot right?
I used to have so much contact with him. I saw him every Wednesday (we went swimming and had dinner afterwards), I saw him every Sunday for the day (sometimes even stayed around his). Honestly I used to look up to my dad, god knows why.
There has been a number of occasions that I can remember which actually hurt me. I remember once, he called me stating that he thought he saw me walking to school (I must’ve been around 16/17) – He said that he thought he saw me but then my ‘Step mum’ pointed out that the girl was too fat to be me. My dad actually told me this. Looking back at this makes my heart ache. Thinking that my dad actually thought that I was ‘fat’, thinking that my dad thought I was ugly. That’s exactly how I felt when I heard that story. Oh yes, I have a step mum. Insiders, you know that in fairy tales there is usually an evil step mum. Well, my step mum is the definition of EVIL. You may think that I’m exaggerating, I’m not. Between the ages of 10-16 me and her got along like a house on fire. Then all of a sudden it changed. I was in sixth form when I started to get messages on Facebook from her. They weren’t very nice at all, and you know when you’re a young, you get angry and start giving out what you get. I retaliated. It basically ended when she said ‘We don’t need you in our lives, go to hell’ – Who in their right mind would say that to a 16/17-year-old? Let alone there step daughter? I left the conversation at this point and showed my mum and she actually told me to apologise to my step mum. – I was shocked and honestly pi**ed off. All I did was react to the things that were being said to me. – (The reason why I had to apologise was in case I still wanted a relationship with my dad). Regardless of this, you can imagine my stepmum didn’t like the thought of me and my dad seeing each other. I suspect that she stopped him seeing me.
With having little to no contact with my dad has hurt. The amount if times I’ve cried over him and sadness I’ve felt are countless. Even though I LOVE my step dad and wouldn’t ever change him for the world but I still to this day can’t understand or grasp the concept that my biological dad could basically throw me aside. So many questions swirl round in my mind on the topic of my dad…
- How could he not talk to his eldest daughter?
- How could he not want to know how I’m doing?
- How could he not want to see me?
- Does he even love me?
I’ve always been a loved child, my mum always gave me anything I could ever want. However, my dad has never been the kind of person to show emotions. I can’t remember him saying he loved me, or hugging me or anything along those lines. I’ve always felt as if I wasn’t wanted, as if I’m not needed. Always worrying that people are going to leave me. Every birthday/Christmas left wondering if he hates me, as I never heard from him.
It’s horrible to think that even though I’m in my 20s this still hurts and I often wonder if I did anything to make him this way towards me.
This is so common nowadays, people not having contact with dads, mums, brothers, sisters, anyone and we can all relate to each other. What I want to say to all of you Insiders is that you are loved, you are not a reflection of these people, these people who left your life, left to make space for someone else to walk in – someone who deserves to be in it. For me that was my step dad. My hero and ultimately my DAD.
Remember, you can’t choose your family, however you can choose who replaces the spaces in your life. You don’t need the people who left. Don’t waste your time or energy thinking about them.
Stay Strong Insiders,
The Insider x