Insiders, I know I’ve spoken about depression quiet a bit, however I think it’s something that people need more awareness and more education on. I know I write a lot of positives about depression and always say that it really doesn’t define who I am or anyone else that suffers from it. It is an illness. I strongly believe that we all need to be more educated about it.
I know, I know, how can I be saying all of this when I’ve just posted a blog saying that I’ve started meditating and this is very therapeutic – However, it doesn’t stop the bad days.
Like yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day. It basically ended with me and my boyfriend going to bed like normal at around 11pm, then all of a sudden BANG I’ll burst into tears. Due to events that’s occurred in the day completely poured out of me. Let me break down my day for you:
I’ve started a new job, literally only about a week into it. It’s been a job that I’ve wanted for a while. I’ve been working so hard for this opportunity. However, a new job comes new challenges and more stress. I have a HUGE fear of failure. Sure when I’m in a good day I can say, failure is a part of life and that’s how we learn but as I’ve said yesterday was not a good day at all (very far from it in fact). – The little voices of doubt come back into my mind. ‘You’re gonna fail, you’re gonna fail’ ‘You’re gonna fail, you’re gonna fail.’ I tried to push these thoughts to the back of my mind. I tried to forget about it, but no matter what I do it was always there.
When these thoughts come into my mind I can look back on how I then reacted to situation. On the back of these thoughts start to wonder and drift away from what I’m doing and it starts to snowball out of control. When this happens it’s as if my whole perception or personality changes. I know, I know, that sounds ridiculous! But when I look back, it’s though I’ve said or acted in a way that’s out of character.
Then everything, swirls around and around, inside my head and I can’t seem to stop the verbal self-abuse. With the snowball effect I then start to feel, worthless, like I’m a constant screw up, a disappointment, like I shouldn’t be here (I’m going to stress, I’m NOT suicidal!!) nor have I ever self harmed. Insiders, imagine feeling that you hate yourself. Imagine feeling/saying that in your head that 10 maybe 15 times a day. It’s tiring and not only that you start to believe it. – I am my own worst enemy.
Not to mention when people at work are all talking in hushed tones, I’ll automatically think that it’s about me. I know it’s not however on my bad days, I’ll think I’ve done something wrong. I will replay the scenario in my head but it’s not necessarily the true version. It’ll be my own version. My version is one of which that has me at the center of a negative situation – Doing something wrong. This then sets my mind racing with negative possibilities.
All of these negative emotions swirling around on a day-to-day basis isn’t nice. Especially when I keep it bottled up until my brain overloads and I break down in tears when I’m at home. – I thank the lord for my boyfriend, such an amazing human being, such amazing support.
I’m not going to lie to you Insiders, when I first got told about depression, I didn’t know much about it myself, I thought that my antidepressants would fix it all. I mean a week to 2 weeks after I started taking them, I felt a wave of relief and thought I was cured. – If only it was that simple.
I really don’t want it to seem all doom and gloom Insiders but I really want to raise awareness for what it’s like in a day of someone with anxiety and depression. – What may be a small issue or task to you is massive to me and others with depression and anxiety.
Just be mindful Insiders, you never know who’s struggling. – Let’s all spread awareness.
The Insider x