Am I Worth It?

This is the never-ending question in my mind. 

I know I’m not the only one that feels this way.

Its been hard over the last few days. I have good days and bad days. I’ve been really good at keeping positive, managing to keep my emotions in check. Keeping the voices in my head down to a whisper. Ive been very active with my depression and anxiety. making sure that if I see people in similar situations as me, I approach them to ensure they know that they aren’t alone and that I’m there if they need anything. 

when I tell people, there enishal response is ‘Oh! But your so confident, I would never have known!’ – I mean come on Insiders, would you want to openly tell people your private information? Like walk up to someone and say ‘Im 22 years old and I deal with depression and anxiety.’ – No. You just don’t do that. 

However, I managed to get through to someone the other day. I sat down with this individual and spoke about my own feelings. This is what I said: 

‘I deal with depression and anxiety. It’s not a very nice thing to have to deal with at that age (for at any age for that matter). Depression isn’t a word or even a subject that I like to talk about much. Depression is something that I had held in for all of my life. Blocking the emotions that kept on building and building, until one day something triggered it. Funnily enough the trigger was something that happened at work. 

It was a sudden backlash that had no prior warning. A wave of emotions suddenly came out and I wasn’t able to push them down and bottle them up anymore. 

I started finding that throughout the days after the trigger, the days got harder. Especially at work. One day after another I was numb. Exhausted. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I was breaking down, every other day. I wasn’t able to do my job properly anymore. It spiralled from there.  

Its hard to leave my house during a bad day. However I force myself to go to work. I would put on a fake smile, walk out the door, go into robot mode and get through what was needed. Most of the time it is like an out-of-body experience. Like someone else is pushing the buttons and making things happen, as I certainly wasn’t capable of it. When my work was done, I could lift off the mask and privately fall apart. The tears would flow and I would feel as though I was suffocating – Hiding so much emotion from people, acting that your fine, feels as though you are sinking. The air is becoming thin, you feel as though you cant breathe. I call it a pit. Being in a dark place that I cant pull myself out of. Its not just sadness, its way more than that. The feeling of worthlessness, the feeling of ‘whats the point’ – my negative thoughts spinning out of control. The pit to me, feels dark, damp, cold and lonely. Imagine a big deep whole in the ground. When I say deep I mean the Empire State Building deep. Looking up and seeing a small spot of white. That small dot is hope/optimism/positivity. It’s very small and trying to climb out is unimaginable. You get half way to seeing the light and SMACK, 1-2-3-8 days in and you can be right back at the bottom again. 

As I moved more and more into the darkness, it was harder and harder to cope at work. Harder to keep my emotions in line, harder to keep them secret from everyone. Until I realised that I have support. I had my friends, my amazing parents, my extended family, my gorgeous boyfriend. I had everything I need in order to get where I need to be.’

I could see this persons face light up with hope. they had said ‘I thought that I was the only one. I thought that no one would ever understand how I feel. I thought people would judge me. – You have just explained exactly how I feel. Thank you so much.’

This was an amazing feeling. Knowing that I was able to help someone understand that everyone has/Is going through similar experiences. Helping this person realise that people are there to help. Speak out Insiders, you never know who you might be helping!

My day to day thought is ‘Im not quite there yet, and thats okay. I’m in no rush a I am confident that I’m headed in the right direction no matter what speed I travel at’. – ITS OK TO HAVE BAD DAYS, as thats all they are bad days.

Much Love, 

The Insider x

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