I can feel myself sinking.
Sinking lower and lower.
The air is getting thin.
Drowning in my sea of tears.
Feeling as though I’m not worth anything. As though I’m just an ant not knowing which way is up or which way is down.
This black pit is too deep for me to even climb out of. The walls are a slippery slope that one wrong step, will send you crashing down violently to the murky depths below.
I get so high, almost as high as the top. I can hear the birds singing. I can smell the green grass. I can almost touch the sunlight. The tips of my fingers are there – One wrong move and I’ll be sent back down. Big, sharp, black smokey hands grab me from my success and bring me tearing down.
This is how I’ve felt over the last couple of days. I’ve gotten to a point were I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I HATE what I see. It’s always the same thing.
I’m the heaviest that I’ve ever been. I know that’s down to my own doing and lack of looking after myself. I’m stuck in a massive rut. I know that the only way to make myself feel better is to make a change. Insiders, I’ll tell you what is the most frustrating thing is: I am a VERY motivated person and very strong-willed however when it comes to myself I give up at the first hurdle. I’ll be doing so well, then when I get stressed at work or I start to have my ‘low’ moments it can completely tip me. I feel bad, then I eat, then I feel bad again and then eat, then when the ‘low’ moments stay, the wine starts coming back in again. It’s such a massive circle. – Since I’ve been with my boyfriend, I’ve become so comfortable. Everyone does. We all know that when we are in long-term relationships we just stop caring for ourselves because someone loves you for you.
I’ve gotten to a point where I’m now disgusted in myself. I want to make a change. I need to make a change. Dying my hair, tanning my skin, putting my makeup on isn’t going to fix how I feel about myself. – This is going to be a bumpy road.. I THINK I can do it.
Eating healthy and being more active here I come…
Wish me luck Insiders!
The Insider x