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Impulse

Insiders, I’ve been doing something really weird recently. Before work I’ve been taking a little detour.

I’m usually really early for work, like REALLY early. More than an hour sometimes. However I’ve been taking a detour round to where I used to live.

I don’t know why… The house isn’t anything special. In fact it hasn’t changed at all in the slightest! It must have been around 14 years since I last lived there.

The only thing I can put my finger on is that this was the last house I can remember living with my dad. Like I can physically remember this house. I have actual memories there. It’s a small, 3 bedroom semi detached house, with quiet a big garden. Plus it’s literally joining to a park! How amazing is that? Especially to a younger version of myself!

I do remember one time, riding my bike down the path to the swings area. I was trying to be good as I could see some older guys on the bench. I decided to bike no handed – Yes, I know, I know, what a stupid idea! I was doing well until…. SMACK I went straight into the swings metal bar. – Insiders, I’m sure you can imagine how much this hurt! However! They guys did come over to me and walk me home. – Some could say my plan worked!

Another memory I have is my dad paving the driveway. My dads a builder. My mum was at work and left me with my dad all day. I was eagerly looking out the window watching my dad in the digger. Now this next part is a little hazy but I think he swung the digger and ended up making a carving in the tree outside our house. – I know it’s nothing special however, that carving is still in the tree.

This house was the first house my mum had brought on her own. It’s an amazing accomplishment for a 20 year old girl to do. I mean she brought me back to this house when I was born. I learned to ride my bike, had numerous rabbits and hamsters, I created so many childhood memories in that house.

However, it does have a sad tale to it. This was the last house that we lived in as a family. – I’m going to state now that I’m very happy with my step dad and mum now however as a young girl being told your dad is not coming back to house anymore was rather confusing and hurt.

I guess this detour is me subconsciously wanting to reach out to my dad again. The more I think about it, the more sick and angry I feel. Insider, if your just joining my blog, you should know that I don’t have contact with my dad at all anymore. – Long story short he remarried and I won’t bore you with the rest. But I can’t stop the urge of trying to contact him. This hasn’t ever worked out before and it’s always been me that reaches out. Plus whenever he does answer it’s always about him and his family. He never asks about me or how I’m doing.

I guess Insiders, do I want to set myself up for getting my heart broken again or do I ignore these impulses?

Much Love,

The Insider x

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