Spain 💕

Well Insiders, I’ve been off work and off communication for around a month. Many many reasons for this..

The last 2 weeks I’ve been in holiday with my parents. The most relaxing holiday I think I have ever had. 10 days in the gorgeous Spain. I know, I know what a cliche for an Englishman these days. Every English person escapes to Spain for there holidays.. it’s cheap, cheerful and honestly it’s far enough away to forget all of your ‘troubles’.

I’ve been to Spain pretty much every year for the last 3/4 years. I still haven’t learned a single word. – Insiders, I love Spain. It’s close to being a special place for me.

You arrive at the airport, early for the earliest plane so that you get a whole extra day in Spain. You check in, automatically feeling relief. Well the relief sets in as you get through customs. – Insiders I don’t know about you, however I’m one of those people that gets super nervous when going through the security part. I have one of those of faces that I have a resting bitch face with a hint of fear. However the fear part can come across as looking guilty.. for no reason at all. It’s so weird, I know for an absolute fact that I’m not a drug dealer or done anything wrong but I look so scared and uneasy that I must look suspicious. – It’s my worst nightmare. The anxiety is unreal and I literally empty my whole handbag onto those plastic trays that you get, just so they can see I have nothing! I hold my breath as I walk through the scanner, secretly praying that I don’t have to be patted down or scanned again. – SO stupid. I’m sure many of you feel the same… I hope …

When this part is done, I can practically hear myself breathing out and instantly feel a huge weight leave my shoulders!

Skipping forward, to getting your first blast of Spanish sun feels so goood. It’s like my skin has never seen sun before (well, living in England, we don’t see much… basically it would’ve been a year since I had ‘proper’ sun). The heat hits your face and you can’t help but feel a smile run along your face. I must’ve looked like a Cheshire Cat. Lifting my head up to the sky and feeling the sun heat my cheeks.

Arriving at the airport, the rampage of people looking for there suitcases, hire cars, buses, holiday reps. It always makes me chuckle when your waiting for your suitcases. It’s like the women and children stay at the back and the men get all primeval. ‘Man must go take the risk of getting the bags. I will brave the masses. Darling you stay there. This is a mans job’ – Insiders it’s hilarious waiting all the men standing and fighting for the bags. Standing tall, buffing there chests out and elbowing to the front.

Anyway, 10 days in this amazing villa. Just me, mum and my dad. Beautiful. The villa at the top of the highest hill, overlooking the amazing country side. To the left you can see this huuuge rock in the sea and the deepest blue sea ever. Reading my book, escaping to a magical land of wizards, sorceresses, hero’s, villains. Listening to music whilst burning in the sun. Drinking beer by the pool. – Heaven right?

Sitting back all holiday, thinking about work, thinking about my recent break up, thinking about how well I’ve been doing within myself. I basically re-thought my whole plan for the future. – Insiders, I’ve felt so lost in myself and my job before my holiday. I thought that I was happy being successful. Being away from work, I realised that I don’t recognise myself anymore. I see an angry, stressed, uptight, tired, self loathing version of myself. This isn’t me. This isn’t my best self. However I know what I need to do, to bring myself back. – I’ll let you know more about this journey in another post later on.

I know who I want to be – No rephrase that. I know who I am. I know what I need and want.

I’m sure we all dread the day we have to return to England. I mean I love my home, I’m very much a home bird. However as soon as I got back home, I started panicking about work. I had a whole 3 days before I had to go to work. However panic set in. I could feel myself sinking, the anxiety creeping back in. My head was on overload again. – Insiders I haven’t even gone back yet. I don’t go back until tomorrow. Well being that it’s 3am it’ll be today. – I can’t sleep, I’m nervous, I feel sick, I actually feel scared to go back. Stupid I know. I mean I’ve been working in my job for 3 years almost and I’m not bad at it. – I guess it’s an irrational fear (of I don’t really know what).

Anyway Insiders, I miss being by a pool in Spain with 36 degrees heat. With a book, music, great view, sun and an ice cold beer.

I’ll keep you updated how work goes tomorrow (today). I’m sure it won’t be as bad as I’m thinking.

I’ve missed you all…

Much Love,

The Insider x

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