Insiders, I have had the worst week. I mean, saying it was the week is a little bit of a lie.
Tuesday was bad.
Recently I’ve been doing really well with staying positive and happy. I’ve been doing really well with work I’ve been happy within myself, just everything has been great. I went into work on Tuesday and noticed a younger colleague in tears at her desk. With my role at work, I am able to approach pretty much anyone and take them off the work floor, for any reason. Seeing this young girl crying was alarming to me, especially as she was sitting at her own desk.
I don’t personally know this girl however I’m not going to let someone cry on their own. – I wouldn’t want to be on my own crying, so I went over and asked her if she was ok and if she needed to go for a chat. (I know, I know, asking ‘Are you ok’ to someone already crying is a stupid move. It makes people worse… But what was I meant to do?).
Anyway, I took her into a small room, away from our area and had a chat. She ended up talking about certain things that she’s going through at the moment, I honestly felt as though I was looking into a mirror.
Everything she was saying was everything that I felt/feel. She had mentioned about not having a relationship with her dad, she has to make all the effort and if she doesn’t he doesn’t talk to her, she’s unhappy with the way that she looks, thinks that she’s aways disappointing people, thinking that she’s not doing well at work, having family members that are far away. – I’m not going to go into too much detail. However this young girl mentioned that she is dealing with depression and the above details are things that are going round in her mind at the moment.
All the things that she said, was me. I could feel a huge wave of emotion hit me all at once. I have been holding certain things in, thinking that I’m dealing with situations, feeling as though I’m fine. – That’s a lie.
In that moment, I had to be this girls rock and I managed to calm her down and refer her to the places that she needed. She went on about her day. I sat in the empty room for a couple of minutes. It was though I was a hollow shell. Just breathing in and out. Then I could feel my eyes filling up and I broke. – The only thing going through my mind at that moment was ‘I can’t do this at work’ ‘People can’t see me like this’ – I know Insiders, this is weird, surely I would be focusing on the thing that’s making me upset but honestly it wasn’t. (Half of the time I don’t know what makes me feel the way I do).
I was able to stop crying, I went to find my manager who is completely aware of what I deal with. Panic set in, as I couldn’t find my manager and I could feel the sense of hope dropping. My eyes started to fill again, I said to one of my colleagues that I trust to tell my manager to find me if she saw her. Then I walked out feeling myself holding my breath to keep my tears from overflowing. – I broke. In private. On my own, feeling lost. I just couldn’t calm myself down. Everytime I managed to stop, seconds later I would cry again. – In that moment, I wished more than anything that I was invisible. I know no one could see me but that didn’t matter.
My manager found me and I was able to talk through things with her. However she looked at me and said you need to go home and relax. – I mean come on, my manager sent me home. – I felt relief.
I packed up my desk and ran out before anyone could see me.
As I was walking back to my car, panic set in again. I felt like I physically wanted to puke. I was so scared about going home and getting into trouble for leaving work. – Even though my manager said it was absolutely fine. I rang my mum who at the time wasn’t in the country. I was in full meltdown/panic mode. I have never been in a blackout stage like that before. I couldn’t get my words out, I wasn’t making sense. I was just completely out of control. My poor mum, clearly she was worried and trying to be assertive to calm me down.
Seriously Insiders, I cannot explain to you how exhausted I was when I finally got home. I slept for hours.
It was just a bad day. I was able to pick myself up, and go into work the next day. – I don’t think it was a good idea after what happened on the Tuesday however that’s just me. I’ve never had my triggers spoken to me all in one go before and it just completely hit me for six.
I know that I haven’t overcome or dealt with all of my issues, however I’m aware that I suppress them until I am ready.
It was just a bad day Insiders. We all have them… right?
The Insider x