I’m 22 years old and I deal with depression and anxiety. It’s not a very nice thing to have to deal with at that age (for at any age for that matter). Depression isn’t a word or even a subject that I like to talk about much. Depression is something that I had held in for all of my life. Blocking the emotions that kept on building and building, until one day something triggered it. Funnily enough the trigger was something that happened at work.
It was a sudden backlash that had no prior warning. A wave of emotions suddenly came out and I wasn’t able to push them down and suppress them anymore.
I started finding that throughout the days after the trigger, the days got harder. Especially at work. One day after another I was becoming number and number to everything going on around me. Exhausted. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I was breaking down, every other day. I wasn’t able to do my job properly anymore. It spiralled from there.
It’s hard to leave my house during a ‘bad’ day. However I force myself to go to work. I would put on a fake smile, walk out the door, go into robot mode and get through what was needed. Most of the time it is like an out-of-body experience. Someone else is pushing the buttons and making things happen, as I certainly wasn’t capable of it. When my work was done, I could lift off the mask and privately fall apart. The tears would flow and I would feel as though I was suffocating.
Hiding so much emotion from people, acting that you’re fine, feels as though you are sinking. The air is becoming thin, you feel as though you can’t breathe. I call it a black pit. Being in a dark place that I can’t pull myself out of. It’s not just sadness, its way more than that. The feeling of worthlessness, the feeling of ‘whats the point’ – My inner chatter spinning out of control.
As I moved more and more into the darkness, it was harder and harder to cope at work. Harder to keep my emotions in line, harder to keep them secret from everyone. Soon I was out of control, everyone was starting to see the cracks within me. My friends have been incredible. Very understanding and made me feel comfortable. They have always on hand to talk even when I didn’t know how to explain what as going on in my mind. Helping me to build the confidence to go to the doctors and go to therapy.
It’s a chemical imbalance. Its negative chatter. It’s devil like thoughts that can consume you. If we have supportive, understanding friends and family, you’ll be able to get through anything. It’s comforting and relieving. I’m so thankful for the friends that have, I understand that even though I am going through the journey however my friends and family are also going through it with me. I thank them every day for helping me emerge from the pit I was in and being there for me as much as they have been.
My day-to-day thought is ‘Im not quite there yet, and that’s okay. I’m in no rush a I am confident that I’m headed in the right direction no matter what speed I travel at’. – ITS OK TO HAVE BAD DAYS, as that’s all they are… bad days.
I’m getting there though Insiders. Through meditation, biking, eating differently, being around my strong friends. – I’ve got this.
The Insider x