This has taken a while for me to write… and its a little long.. so I apologise.
One Saturday, I went to a theme park. The place all children, teenagers, young adults have fun. I was so excited to go with my girls. I mean these girls are my oldest of friends and I love spending time with them.
So I woke up at 7:15 and outside my friends house ready at 7:45 as planned. Low and behold, they were running late. – Typical girls ey? Finally ready at 8:00, we were all in the car ready. Google maps, showing us the yellow bricked road to funville.
Being the hyperactive and fun loving friends that we all are, singing away to old school music, not giving a care in the world. I felt like my old self again. The fun loving, girl I used to be around these girls. – They don’t know the depressive and anxious girl I’ve turned into. They know the confident, funny, smart girl that doesn’t have a care in the world and you know what it’s refreshing. They still treat me as ‘that’ girl.
(Fast-Forward to arriving at the park)
Standing in the blazing heat, waiting patiently but anxiously as we slowly walked towards the first ride. – I was honestly so excited it’s unreal. It was one of the parks newest rides and had such amazing reviews.
We checked our bags in and walked into a room. The doors shut behind us and the room was pitch black, no light shining through from anywhere. I honestly thought I was going to die. Like literally. I grabbed my friends hand and I swear I almost broke it I was so scared. – It’s not like I was scared of the special effects. It was more of the darkness. Yes, yes, I’m a child that’s scared of the dark (ok. I’m 23 but come on the darkness is scary!!).
Anywaay… We got out of the room of doom and I was looking at my friends deciding who was going to go on their own. The ride only had seats that sat 2 people. Me, myself & I decided to go on my own, because hey I’m no scaredy-cat (HA!).
We watched the ride getting ready before us. There was a curvier lady that I was behind and she wasn’t able to fit onto the ride. My happiness and smile automatically drifted from my face. My heart sunk into my stomach. I turned to my friends and said quietly, ‘that’s not going to happen to me is it?’ – ‘No, No of course not. Don’t be silly’ they both said. Not realising that whatever they said was going through one ear and out the other.
BUZZ. The gate opened and it was our turn to load the ride. My anxious self, sat down. Telling myself to not be silly and that everything is going to be ok. To my right was 100s of people watching and waiting for there turn just like I did 30 seconds ago. I pulled the bar towards me. Breathe in and … cr** it didn’t lock. I turned to my friends and they could see the pure embarrassment on my face. The ride checker people came over and pushed down on it. Told me to cross my legs and they pushed again, but no. No luck at all.
I’ve never wanted to be invisible so badly in my life. I could see everyone watching me. I was holding up the ride from going. I was slowly dying of embarrassment. It was like my own personal form of torture. I had to bite my cheeks to stop myself from crying. The lady had said ‘we’re going to try changing the bar’ … I weakly said ‘If it’s ok, I just want to get off as Im starting to feel really embarrassed’. So as fast as I could I stood up and powered walked (more like power waddled) out of the room. My face was as red as a tomato. I was breathing deeply, as I didn’t want anyone around to see me upset. – Mainly to escape more embarrassment. I waited whilst my friends went on the ride. Slowly thinking and self-loathing. I couldn’t have hated myself more if I tried. Then I thought, I can’t ruin this day for my friends. It’s not just my day, my friends deserve to have a good time.
I put-on a brave face and acted like everything was ok – It most definitely wasn’t ok. The whole day, I wasn’t able to go (fit) on any ride in the whole park. I was the bag holder, the loner waiting for them to get off the ride. Every time they got on a ride, I had to wait 20-50 minutes on my own. Trying to stay positive and not let the negative thoughts sink in. – Then my mum called. Everyone knows, that when a mum asks the fatal words ‘Are you having a good time?’ ‘Are you ok?’ ‘Whats wrong?’ It’s like your brain automatically opens the flood gates. I honestly haven’t felt that bad in such a long time. The thoughts creeping in, ‘I hate myself’ ‘I’m fat’ ‘everyones laughing at me’ … You know the normal negative things. – I felt completely humiliated.
I got home and broke. It was as if all the hard work of meditating, self-love, positive thinking was all for nothing. I know it was just a setback but, it was a HUGE setback. It was as though every negative thought inside me came out all at once. I felt so small again. Like I would never be good enough or skinny enough. – Sad right? That one ‘little’ thing can knock me down so low..
It’s given me the kick I’ve needed for a while (the turning point). I never want to feel the embarrassment again. I never want to feel the hatred. Feeling that low is not good for anyone, especially me. It’s hard to bounce back from. However, I’m slowly trying. I’ve re-joined the gym, I’m eating healthier (well changing my relationship with food some might say), I’m more active. – Im feeling so much better. It has only been a week or so but I’ve got this… right?
No matter what happens, it always happens for a reason and we never get given anything that we can’t handle. Even if its the negative thoughts/dark pits that we can get stuck in sometimes but if we are determined and strong enough, we can get out.
Im happier than ever Insiders.
Wish me luck staying positive and keeping up with the gym.
The Insider x