The Talk

I’m sitting in my car at this very moment in time. I’m working up the mental ability to get myself out of the car and into work.

I know all of us lack the motivation to go to work. I know for me, it’s not necessarily that I don’t want to go it’s more the fact I have this huge butterfly/nervousness/emptiness feeling in the bottom of my stomach.

Fear. Yes that’s what I’m going to call it. Fear. Sounds a little weird and silly doesn’t it? I’ve been in this job for over 2 years now (pretty much known as a veteran) yet I feel fear? – So many thoughts go round in my head, so many questions.

– What am I going to do wrong today?

– What is going to happen today?

– Will I get in trouble today?

– Am I going to be late?

These are all very silly questions, yet this is my daily routine. I promise all of you Insiders, this is what I feel on a daily basis. – Horrible or what?

Right. It’s time to have a talk with myself. Time to reassure myself. I CAN do this. Don’t be anxious. Your an hour and a half early! I know I’m GOOD at my job. People DO like me. You look BEAUTIFUL. Take a deep breath – YOU GOT THIS!

I’ll see you Insiders later!

Much Love,

The Insider x

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Handbags Vs Clothes

I think I’ve mentioned before that I find Shopping a little tedious and sometimes stressful.

I’ve been out shopping with my bestie all day. She’s this gorgeous size 10 with big boobs and flat stomach (jealous!). Whilst I’m a chubby size 18 and lumps and bumps in the wrong places!

She can wear a dish cloth and she’d look fabulous. Whilst me, I look stupid in just a black old Tshirt. I have to look for the bigger sizes which most shops don’t even go up too. I have to look for the flowy, baggy clothes so that none of my chubbiness.

I hate it. I mean, I love going shopping with her. I love seeing her try on all these amazing clothes and tops. I love being able to talk her into treating herself. However, I’ll pick out a few things that I love but they don’t look good at all. I mean, I’ll pick my size, hold my breath in the fitting room. Then – my eyes traveling down my reflection in the mirror. Ok, it looks good on the neck line, flows nicely on my stomach area but it’s all too good to be true. It’s too tight on my arms. Sadly I have rather fatty upper arms.

If it’s not my arms, it’s my waist, if it’s not my waist it’s my boobs. Honestly my body is awful to try and dress. I really hits my confidence. It’s as though, my body lets me down and I end up buying nothing. I can’t explain how low I get.

However handbags. Now handbags never make me feel sad. They never make me feel as though I’m fat or ugly. You can never have too many handbags! There is so many to choose from! Different sizes, different colours, different fabrics. Each and everyone will suit you. You don’t have to worry about them not looking good on you.

So today, I didn’t manage to find any clothes that looked good on me, so I brought a brand new handbag! It’s GORGEOUS! A lovely mustard colour. Ooh I’m trying not to drawl whilst thinking about it.

If I sold my handbag collection I would probably have a deposit for a house! – No word of a lie!

Much Love,

The Insider x

EDUCATE, EDUCATE, EDUCATE!

Insiders, I know I’ve spoken about depression quiet a bit, however I think it’s something that people need more awareness and more education on. I know I write a lot of positives about depression and always say that it really doesn’t define who I am or anyone else that suffers from it. It is an illness. I strongly believe that we all need to be more educated about it.

I know, I know, how can I be saying all of this when I’ve just posted a blog saying that I’ve started meditating and this is very therapeutic – However, it doesn’t stop the bad days.

Like yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day. It basically ended with me and my boyfriend going to bed like normal at around 11pm, then all of a sudden BANG I’ll burst into tears. Due to events that’s occurred in the day completely poured out of me. Let me break down my day for you:

I’ve started a new job, literally only about a week into it. It’s been a job that I’ve wanted for a while. I’ve been working so hard for this opportunity. However, a new job comes new challenges and more stress. I have a HUGE fear of failure. Sure when I’m in a good day I can say, failure is a part of life and that’s how we learn but as I’ve said yesterday was not a good day at all (very far from it in fact). – The little voices of doubt come back into my mind. ‘You’re gonna fail, you’re gonna fail’ ‘You’re gonna fail, you’re gonna fail.’ I tried to push these thoughts to the back of my mind. I tried to forget about it, but no matter what I do it was always there.

When these thoughts come into my mind I can look back on how I then reacted to situation. On the back of these thoughts start to wonder and drift away from what I’m doing and it starts to snowball out of control. When this happens it’s as if my whole perception or personality changes. I know, I know, that sounds ridiculous! But when I look back, it’s though I’ve said or acted in a way that’s out of character.

Then everything, swirls around and around, inside my head and I can’t seem to stop the verbal self-abuse. With the snowball effect I then start to feel, worthless, like I’m a constant screw up, a disappointment, like I shouldn’t be here (I’m going to stress, I’m NOT suicidal!!) nor have I ever self harmed. Insiders, imagine feeling that you hate yourself. Imagine feeling/saying that in your head that 10 maybe 15 times a day. It’s tiring and not only that you start to believe it. – I am my own worst enemy.

Not to mention when people at work are all talking in hushed tones, I’ll automatically think that it’s about me. I know it’s not however on my bad days, I’ll think I’ve done something wrong.  I will replay the scenario in my head but it’s not necessarily the true version. It’ll be my own version. My version is one of which that has me at the center of a negative situation – Doing something wrong. This then sets my mind racing with negative possibilities.

All of these negative emotions swirling around on a day-to-day basis  isn’t nice. Especially when I keep it bottled up until my brain overloads and I break down in tears when I’m at home.  – I thank the lord for my boyfriend, such an amazing human being, such amazing support.

I’m not going to lie to you Insiders, when I first got told about depression, I didn’t know much about it myself, I thought that my antidepressants would fix it all. I mean a week to 2 weeks after I started taking them, I felt a wave of relief and thought I was cured. – If only it was that simple.

I really don’t want it to seem all doom and gloom Insiders but I really want to raise awareness for what it’s like in a day of someone with anxiety and depression. – What may be a small issue or task to you is massive to me and others with depression and anxiety.

Just be mindful Insiders, you never know who’s struggling. – Let’s all spread awareness.

Much Love,

The Insider x

Think POSITIVE, It’s Time To CHANGE

I’ve been dealing with how I feel about my image for many years now. I know, I know everyone worries about their weight and the way they look to other people. However the way that I feel about myself feels as though it’s on another level. – Which I’m sure most people feel the same. What sets us all apart is how we each deal with the emotions that whirl around in our head. The feelings of helplessness, fear, hatred and disgust – are all words that my inner voices use about myself.

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Mental Health

I have been holding off positing this for a while now, however you know what, I think its important (well it is to me). Whether or not you’ve noticed its mental health awareness week. I’ve been seeing many Facebook posts about mental health during the week. Mental health is a major issue that impacts many people’s lives. I’ll let you into a secret. I myself have been dealing with Depression and Anxiety. It hardest and the worst time of my life. Heres some figures for you, approximately 10% of teenagers will suffer from Depression or Anxiety and 40% of adults suffer from Depression or Anxiety. This percentage keeps rising each and every year. When you think about it, it’s a huge amount of the population who go through the same thing as you at some point in their lives. You can put 10 people in a room and odds are that half of them will have at some point been touched my depression or anxiety. It doesn’t just mean that they have had it themselves but they would have experienced it. 

I think it’s about time that I told my story as well. Only recently have I been able to acknowledge and talk about what I’ve been going through. 

I’ve always been seen as a strong-minded, independent person – Well this is how people perceive me to be. In some ways they are right however that is what they see on the outside. Imagine an ice burg, what you see is the small tip of it however underneath the water it expands miles wide and goes as deep as you can imagine. This is what people are also like. Whilst people see me as a ‘confident’ person this is what I choose to show them. They only see the tip of how I’m feeling. What people don’t know about me is that for the last 3 months I have been struggling and dealing with Depression and Anxiety. –  You have no idea the shame and embarrassment that I feel by just saying that. (I’m learning to deal with it though). I need to remind myself its nothing to feel ashamed of or embarrassed about, I’m not alone – Even though I feel isolated at times. I felt as though I was dragging my family into this deep pit. To be fair, this is partly true. Yes, I’m the one that has all of the negative emotions however my mum, dad, boyfriend, friends are all going through it as well. They needed to try to cope with me being the way that I am. – I know its hard on them, especially my mum. I know for parents/partners its hard, as they can’t fix it. 
 
When I would tell my closet of friends about what I was going through, asking them for my forgiveness for the odd ways that I react to things. The shock on their faces, the pain in their eyes, the puzzlement of it. Everyone that I felt secure enough to tell about it, always say ‘Wow, you come across so confident, you hide it so well’ – This is important. No matter how strong, loud or confident someone is you have no idea the monsters they are battling inside.

Below are only a few things in which I can say to try to explain how I feel (when I say few – I promise you I mean this doesn’t even touch upon how I feel): 

1. I bury my emotions deep down – I have to constantly tell myself that I’m fine when the actual fact is that I’m only fooling myself. Trying to convince myself on a daily basis that I’m completely fine, but inside I’m drained and utterly lost. Mentally telling myself not to break down and cry, telling myself that people aren’t talking about me, telling myself that I’m good enough, constantly reassuring myself that I AM FINE. – This is the biggest mental strain I’ve ever been put through. At the end of the day I’m exhausted and to other people I can’t explain why. 
 
2. I get irritated VERY easily – I start to lash out at the people who I love the most in the world. I lash out at the most stupid of things. Things that to other people might seem small. For example, not being
able to find something to wear in the mornings. My mum would come in and help me find something, I would get annoyed at her for trying to help. Nothing that she does is wrong or horrible. I just flip and get annoyed and angry. 
 
3. I self medicate – I realised that I was drinking almost every night, I know that this is a problem… However I  feel that this is the only way to calm myself down sometimes. We all know that alcohol is a depressant, I don’t drink it to feel good or anything like that. I drink because it knocks me out. I’m able to sleep, it stops my brain from over thinking. Stops me working myself up over nothing. Stops me feeling the way that I do. – Please don’t take that the wrong way,  Im not an alcoholic, I’m not addicted in any way shape or form! I am NOT reliant on it. 
 
4. I eat almost everything that I see – I do this because it’s a way to hide and swallow all the unhappiness that I feel within myself, along with the food. We all know that saying ‘eating your feelings away’ – Yeah I fall into that category. This can lead to physical health issues, such as high blood pressure, obesity ect. This also keep the cycle going. eating to feel better, then feeling guilty because you’ve eaten so much, then you eat more…. ect ect. 
 
5. I cry at anything and everything for no reason – People will say that you’re being emotional, its nothing to cry over. ‘Your making a big deal out of nothing’ – This makes me feel worse. I have to keep telling myself that I’m not a cry baby, it is due to the CHEMICAL IMBALANCE in my brain.
 
I couldn’t, no WOULDN’T say the words that I’m Depressed or have Anxiety. In my eyes I don’t have a reason to feel this way. I had an amazing childhood, great family, I had everything I could ever have wanted or needed. Nothing in life justified me feeling the way that I do. The one thing that I have been able realise whilst going through this, is that I’m not the only one going through it. – I’m not alone. No matter what my head says. 
 
Through counselling, medication and the strength of my family and friends I am now able to say ‘YES I am Depressed, YES I do suffer with anxiety but it does NOT define who I am. 
 
I truly believe, that people who are dealing with or have ever suffered from any form of mental health needs not to be ashamed of it and should speak out. SPEAK OUT about what you’ve experienced, tell others. You have no idea how much help this could be to someone who feels like no one understands.

With the right treatment and support you CAN and WILL bounce back from this.

YOU ARE STRONG AND YOUR ARE BEAUTIFUL! 

Much Love,
The Insider x
P.S – Thank you to my family and friends for all the support you give me! I love you x