50/50

INSIDERS! – Its my birthday tomorrow! I SOO can’t wait. I will make an admission – I am one of those birthday princess divas.

I know that sounds funny but honestly, I’m very much like ‘It’s my birthday is all about me’ – Well I act like that in my head but not outside for everyone to see.

However, there is a small part of me that wonders. I wonder if I’ll be contacted by my dad. Its one of those days that I start to feel a little vulnerable. I start to think about my dad. (I really don’t know why – It’s rather annoying).

He used to post a card through my door at like 5am before he went to work. Now I’m lucky to get a text from him. – As you can see Insiders, I have a lot of built up anger against my dad.

I wonder if ill get a text or card… 50/50.

I’ll let you know!

Much Love,

The Insider x

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You Can’t Choose Your Family

This is a hard blog for me to post.

However I feel, that it’s a common occurrence in today’s society. I don’t have any contact with my ‘Dad’. I use quotation marks because in my eyes he doesn’t deserve to have the title dad. – Now I bet your all thinking ‘Ooo what has he done? – Did he run off with another women, Did he get locked up?’ – Nope. Nothing quiet as interesting as that. He simply lost interest. He stopped contacting me, stopped talking to me, stopped seeing me altogether. – What an idiot right?

I used to have so much contact with him. I saw him every Wednesday (we went swimming and had dinner afterwards), I saw him every Sunday for the day (sometimes even stayed around his). Honestly I used to look up to my dad, god knows why.

There has been a number of occasions that I can remember which actually hurt me. I remember once, he called me stating that he thought he saw me walking to school (I must’ve been around 16/17) – He said that he thought he saw me but then my ‘Step mum’ pointed out that the girl was too fat to be me. My dad actually told me this. Looking back at this makes my heart ache. Thinking that my dad actually thought that I was ‘fat’, thinking that my dad thought I was ugly. That’s exactly how I felt when I heard that story. Oh yes, I have a step mum. Insiders, you know that in fairy tales there is usually an evil step mum. Well, my step mum is the definition of EVIL. You may think that I’m exaggerating, I’m not. Between the ages of 10-16 me and her got along like a house on fire. Then all of a sudden it changed. I was in sixth form when I started to get messages on Facebook from her. They weren’t very nice at all, and you know when you’re a young, you get angry and start giving out what you get. I retaliated. It basically ended when she said ‘We don’t need you in our lives, go to hell’ – Who in their right mind would say that to a 16/17-year-old? Let alone there step daughter? I left the conversation at this point and showed my mum and she actually told me to apologise to my step mum. – I was shocked and honestly pi**ed off. All I did was react to the things that were being said to me. – (The reason why I had to apologise was in case I still wanted a relationship with my dad). Regardless of this, you can imagine my stepmum didn’t like the thought of me and my dad seeing each other. I suspect that she stopped him seeing me.

With having little to no contact with my dad has hurt. The amount if times I’ve cried over him and sadness I’ve felt are countless. Even though I LOVE my step dad and wouldn’t ever change him for the world but I still to this day can’t understand or grasp the concept that my biological dad could basically throw me aside. So many questions swirl round in my mind on the topic of my dad…

  • How could he not talk to his eldest daughter?
  • How could he not want to know how I’m doing?
  • How could he not want to see me?
  • Does he even love me?

I’ve always been a loved child, my mum always gave me anything I could ever want. However, my dad has never been the kind of person to show emotions. I can’t remember him saying he loved me, or hugging me or anything along those lines. I’ve always felt as if I wasn’t wanted, as if I’m not needed. Always worrying that people are going to leave me. Every birthday/Christmas left wondering if he hates me, as I never heard from him.

It’s horrible to think that even though I’m in my 20s this still hurts and I often wonder if I did anything to make him this way towards me.

This is so common nowadays, people not having contact with dads, mums, brothers, sisters, anyone and we can all relate to each other. What I want to say to all of you Insiders is that you are loved, you are not a reflection of these people, these people who left your life, left to make space for someone else to walk in – someone who deserves to be in it. For me that was my step dad. My hero and ultimately my DAD.

Remember, you can’t choose your family, however you can choose who replaces the spaces in your life. You don’t need the people who left. Don’t waste your time or energy thinking about them.

Stay Strong Insiders,

Much Love,

The Insider x

My bestfriend, My hero, My DAD!

I don’t consider my step dad as a step parent. He is my dad.
Here is a list of qualities of my step dad:

  • Funny
  • Kind hearted
  • Lovely/Loving
  • Friendly/Easy to talk too
  • Supportive/Understanding

This list can go on and on but I can’t write all of them – but you get the idea!

I was around 4/5 years old when my mum and dad spilt. It wasn’t a horrible or nasty split, obviously it wasn’t great because I didn’t know what was going on. However I saw my dad often! Until I was around 13/14. He stopped contact and speaking to me – Yeah what an idiot (which is the nicer word for him).

However, when I was 5 my mum started dating my step dad. I didn’t really know what was going on but I clicked with him straight away. I loved him from day one, although I never called him dad he has always been that figure to me. (I think I don’t call him dad because when I was younger, I knew who my dad was). – I was joint at the hip with my step dad when I was younger, always with him. Then when I got to my teenage years I distanced myself (like we all do), and now I’m an adult, I’m closer to him than ever!

My step dad, is the definition of BEST dad in the world. I can honestly say that he has been through everything with me –

  • Through changing schools
  • My moody teenage years
  • My GCSE/A-Levels results
  • My bestfriend breakups
  • Boyfriends
  • Jobs

You name it, he’s been through it with me. He deserves some kind of medal for it! It hasn’t always been plain sailing, I’ve shouted at him, called him names, been awful to him but like a true DAD he loved me unconditionally. – It must be hard to take care of someone else’s children, step parents choose to love you and then it develops to unconditionally.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, he has two daughters of his own (who I love dearly) – He has never treated me any differently to them. I adore this man. I well up with pride and happiness when I hear him reference ‘my 3 Girls’ or people say ‘is this your eldest daughter?’ – LOVE IT!

He supports me in everything I do. If I’m upset, he’ll always give me the biggest cuddles ever, he’ll always ask about my day, he always tells me he is proud of me, he always treats me. – At the end of the day he is ALWAYS there when I need him, whatever the issue big or small.

I wanted to show him how much he meant to me and how lucky I was to have him for a dad. So, I took him, my mum and my boyfriend to the place where they got married. We were having such a lovely dinner. I could feel a lump in my throat as I pulled out some paper from my bag and started to say ‘you’ve been in my life for years and years, your the bestest dad I could’ve ever asked for’ (at this point he had shear panick on his face – was a little amusing!). – I held my breath and gave him the papers. I started to get teary as I saw the joy and happiness on his face. He said ‘are these official?!’ All I could do was nod as I was so emotional. I had given him the papers that confirmed that I had changed my surname to match his.

I’ve never felt so complete – I know how can you feel complete changing a name. I just can’t explain it!

I love him to pieces. He is my dad. I’m so proud and lucky to be able to say that.

My bestfriend, My hero, My DAD.

Much Love,

The Insider x