The Talk

I’m sitting in my car at this very moment in time. I’m working up the mental ability to get myself out of the car and into work.

I know all of us lack the motivation to go to work. I know for me, it’s not necessarily that I don’t want to go it’s more the fact I have this huge butterfly/nervousness/emptiness feeling in the bottom of my stomach.

Fear. Yes that’s what I’m going to call it. Fear. Sounds a little weird and silly doesn’t it? I’ve been in this job for over 2 years now (pretty much known as a veteran) yet I feel fear? – So many thoughts go round in my head, so many questions.

– What am I going to do wrong today?

– What is going to happen today?

– Will I get in trouble today?

– Am I going to be late?

These are all very silly questions, yet this is my daily routine. I promise all of you Insiders, this is what I feel on a daily basis. – Horrible or what?

Right. It’s time to have a talk with myself. Time to reassure myself. I CAN do this. Don’t be anxious. Your an hour and a half early! I know I’m GOOD at my job. People DO like me. You look BEAUTIFUL. Take a deep breath – YOU GOT THIS!

I’ll see you Insiders later!

Much Love,

The Insider x

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Handbags Vs Clothes

I think I’ve mentioned before that I find Shopping a little tedious and sometimes stressful.

I’ve been out shopping with my bestie all day. She’s this gorgeous size 10 with big boobs and flat stomach (jealous!). Whilst I’m a chubby size 18 and lumps and bumps in the wrong places!

She can wear a dish cloth and she’d look fabulous. Whilst me, I look stupid in just a black old Tshirt. I have to look for the bigger sizes which most shops don’t even go up too. I have to look for the flowy, baggy clothes so that none of my chubbiness.

I hate it. I mean, I love going shopping with her. I love seeing her try on all these amazing clothes and tops. I love being able to talk her into treating herself. However, I’ll pick out a few things that I love but they don’t look good at all. I mean, I’ll pick my size, hold my breath in the fitting room. Then – my eyes traveling down my reflection in the mirror. Ok, it looks good on the neck line, flows nicely on my stomach area but it’s all too good to be true. It’s too tight on my arms. Sadly I have rather fatty upper arms.

If it’s not my arms, it’s my waist, if it’s not my waist it’s my boobs. Honestly my body is awful to try and dress. I really hits my confidence. It’s as though, my body lets me down and I end up buying nothing. I can’t explain how low I get.

However handbags. Now handbags never make me feel sad. They never make me feel as though I’m fat or ugly. You can never have too many handbags! There is so many to choose from! Different sizes, different colours, different fabrics. Each and everyone will suit you. You don’t have to worry about them not looking good on you.

So today, I didn’t manage to find any clothes that looked good on me, so I brought a brand new handbag! It’s GORGEOUS! A lovely mustard colour. Ooh I’m trying not to drawl whilst thinking about it.

If I sold my handbag collection I would probably have a deposit for a house! – No word of a lie!

Much Love,

The Insider x

Stress

Insiders, we all suffer with stress. However we all as individuals handle and deal with it differently!

Some people, like to hide themselves away. Some read books, some write there emotions down. Others they drink when they get home from work.

Me I cry.

Well that may be an over exaggeration. I mean I do cry, but I cry more due to frustration and due to me getting annoyed at a situation. This clearly doesn’t look good at all. Most of the time I’m the one that everyone looks at for support, for comfort, for strength and ultimately stability.

Little do most people know, I’m the most unstable, weakest person ever. Most people say to me – ‘WOW! You always look so put together. You always say your stressed however you really don’t show it!’ … people who say that to me, are clearly liars!

Honestly Insiders, I go all red-faced, puffy eyed, nose dribbling, red chested huffing baboon. I look ridiculous! – My bestie, Gosh. She never ever looks stressed, even when she is, she’s like a flawless angel! She doesn’t go all red or look like she’s even flustered. – I’m so jealous.

Obviously crying doesn’t look good when your trying to develop at work. I bet people think of me as a cry baby and can’t handle situations very well. I PROMISE YOU I CAN! – I’m a touch cookie! (Sometimes – just don’t stress me out).

I’m a very emotional person. I literally wear my heart in my sleeve – literally. So I often feel the stresses a lot more than others. Either that or I’m permanently insane.

I need to STOP CARING SO MUCH. That’s honestly on of my New Years resolutions. However by far one of the hardest things ever. Building resilience is stupidly hard. If any of you Insiders have any tips or ideas for building resilience or coping with stress PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me!

Much Love,

The Insider x

EDUCATE, EDUCATE, EDUCATE!

Insiders, I know I’ve spoken about depression quiet a bit, however I think it’s something that people need more awareness and more education on. I know I write a lot of positives about depression and always say that it really doesn’t define who I am or anyone else that suffers from it. It is an illness. I strongly believe that we all need to be more educated about it.

I know, I know, how can I be saying all of this when I’ve just posted a blog saying that I’ve started meditating and this is very therapeutic – However, it doesn’t stop the bad days.

Like yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day. It basically ended with me and my boyfriend going to bed like normal at around 11pm, then all of a sudden BANG I’ll burst into tears. Due to events that’s occurred in the day completely poured out of me. Let me break down my day for you:

I’ve started a new job, literally only about a week into it. It’s been a job that I’ve wanted for a while. I’ve been working so hard for this opportunity. However, a new job comes new challenges and more stress. I have a HUGE fear of failure. Sure when I’m in a good day I can say, failure is a part of life and that’s how we learn but as I’ve said yesterday was not a good day at all (very far from it in fact). – The little voices of doubt come back into my mind. ‘You’re gonna fail, you’re gonna fail’ ‘You’re gonna fail, you’re gonna fail.’ I tried to push these thoughts to the back of my mind. I tried to forget about it, but no matter what I do it was always there.

When these thoughts come into my mind I can look back on how I then reacted to situation. On the back of these thoughts start to wonder and drift away from what I’m doing and it starts to snowball out of control. When this happens it’s as if my whole perception or personality changes. I know, I know, that sounds ridiculous! But when I look back, it’s though I’ve said or acted in a way that’s out of character.

Then everything, swirls around and around, inside my head and I can’t seem to stop the verbal self-abuse. With the snowball effect I then start to feel, worthless, like I’m a constant screw up, a disappointment, like I shouldn’t be here (I’m going to stress, I’m NOT suicidal!!) nor have I ever self harmed. Insiders, imagine feeling that you hate yourself. Imagine feeling/saying that in your head that 10 maybe 15 times a day. It’s tiring and not only that you start to believe it. – I am my own worst enemy.

Not to mention when people at work are all talking in hushed tones, I’ll automatically think that it’s about me. I know it’s not however on my bad days, I’ll think I’ve done something wrong.  I will replay the scenario in my head but it’s not necessarily the true version. It’ll be my own version. My version is one of which that has me at the center of a negative situation – Doing something wrong. This then sets my mind racing with negative possibilities.

All of these negative emotions swirling around on a day-to-day basis  isn’t nice. Especially when I keep it bottled up until my brain overloads and I break down in tears when I’m at home.  – I thank the lord for my boyfriend, such an amazing human being, such amazing support.

I’m not going to lie to you Insiders, when I first got told about depression, I didn’t know much about it myself, I thought that my antidepressants would fix it all. I mean a week to 2 weeks after I started taking them, I felt a wave of relief and thought I was cured. – If only it was that simple.

I really don’t want it to seem all doom and gloom Insiders but I really want to raise awareness for what it’s like in a day of someone with anxiety and depression. – What may be a small issue or task to you is massive to me and others with depression and anxiety.

Just be mindful Insiders, you never know who’s struggling. – Let’s all spread awareness.

Much Love,

The Insider x

Meditation

Insiders, I know its been a couple of days since I’ve posted and you’re going to laugh but I’ve started to look into meditation. Going through anxiety and depression has really taken a toll on my self-confidence and self-esteem. So to stop negative thinking and start thinking positively I’ve started to meditate.

Honestly, I used to be one of those people who thought you have to sit down in a silent room with your legs crossed and hum ‘omm, omm, omm’ but I can tell you now that, that’s far from the truth! All you have to do is sit down, with a straight back (so your posture is relaxed), your arms in an ‘L’ shape, relaxed against your knees. Your eyes gently resting shut, breathing in and out of your nose. Just calming yourself down. – You can even lay down, whatever is comfy for you!

At first it feels like my mind is crazy, rushing and swirling around with thoughts, usually negative thoughts about myself. You know the ones, the ones that say ‘Im not good enough’ You can’t do anything right’ – Those feel like they are going to take over. However 2-4 minutes into slow breathing and just focusing on deep long breaths manages to evaporate those feelings. I really can’t explain it. All these negative feelings gone. I actually feel relaxed, like all of my worries are gone. I feel refreshed. – Its CRAZY!

I’ve come to realise that im a very negative thinker. The truth is that, it’s a habit. For me, its the biggest habit that I need to kick. Everyone is a negative thinker whether its thoughts of anger, fear, helplessness, self-doubt – Everyone has at some point experienced these negative feelings. For me, I would say I spend 40% of my day telling myself these things. (Sad I know). However, by meditating and taking time out for myself to just be quiet and calm my mind, I can see massive improvements.

Not only have I started meditating I have started to repeat positive phrases to myself at least 10 times a day. Ok, ok, yes this is similar to talking to myself – but its a mental talk. I tell myself ‘I am powerful and loving and have nothing to fear’ or ‘Believe in yourself’ or ‘You CAN do this, you ARE good enough.’ By saying these things makes me smile and helps me to realise that these negative thoughts are lies. The positive thoughts are true.

Surround yourself with the positive thoughts, either by putting them on my desk at work, or on my phone or mirror, helps to show how powerful and loving I am.

When your positive you attract positive people into your life – By doing that you’ll be unstoppable.

Much Love,

The Insider x

Think POSITIVE, It’s Time To CHANGE

I’ve been dealing with how I feel about my image for many years now. I know, I know everyone worries about their weight and the way they look to other people. However the way that I feel about myself feels as though it’s on another level. – Which I’m sure most people feel the same. What sets us all apart is how we each deal with the emotions that whirl around in our head. The feelings of helplessness, fear, hatred and disgust – are all words that my inner voices use about myself.

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