But first COFFEE!

How do people do this?!

This is my first early shift in months. And I have to say …. ITS KILLING ME! – Why on earth would people like having early shifts?!

I would much rather have my 12pm-8pm shifts! They are much more appealing! I mean come on Insiders, I get a lay in till 9:00-9:30! I miss all the morning and evening traffic! What could be more better?

I know, I know! You get to leave earlier and you have the evening to do things. What about the tiredness? What about the early nights? No lay ins?! This is killing me!

I can honestly say that I’m being run on coffee today. I must’ve drank my whole body weight in coffee. I wouldn’t have survived without it. – THANK GOD WE GET FREE COFFEE!

The free coffee isn’t like Starbucks or Costa but it does the job. I mean we have a Starbucks and Costa in the building and it’s slightly reduced prices, however the coffee machine is just so much closure! – Plus free.

Not to mention we had lunch at 1pm. I’m used to only being at work for an hour by 1pm, not even thinking about eating. I just wasnt hungry at all. my body was telling me that I didn’t need food until around 3:30pm-4:00pm.

I honestly couldn’t wait to get home and put my slippers on and sleep. – I sound like a right oldie.

Never again..

Much Love,

The Insider x

Advertisements

The Talk

I’m sitting in my car at this very moment in time. I’m working up the mental ability to get myself out of the car and into work.

I know all of us lack the motivation to go to work. I know for me, it’s not necessarily that I don’t want to go it’s more the fact I have this huge butterfly/nervousness/emptiness feeling in the bottom of my stomach.

Fear. Yes that’s what I’m going to call it. Fear. Sounds a little weird and silly doesn’t it? I’ve been in this job for over 2 years now (pretty much known as a veteran) yet I feel fear? – So many thoughts go round in my head, so many questions.

– What am I going to do wrong today?

– What is going to happen today?

– Will I get in trouble today?

– Am I going to be late?

These are all very silly questions, yet this is my daily routine. I promise all of you Insiders, this is what I feel on a daily basis. – Horrible or what?

Right. It’s time to have a talk with myself. Time to reassure myself. I CAN do this. Don’t be anxious. Your an hour and a half early! I know I’m GOOD at my job. People DO like me. You look BEAUTIFUL. Take a deep breath – YOU GOT THIS!

I’ll see you Insiders later!

Much Love,

The Insider x

Inspiration Please!!

I’m sitting here, trying and desperately hoping for inspiration to knock me in the face. So instead of sitting here looking like an idiot and getting frustrated, I have been reading other bloggers posts. – Something that I haven’t done in a while. Which isn’t good as reading others blogs Is something that as a blogger you should do as often as possible. Not only does it help you gain inspiration, it can help you get your own blog known. Posting, liking, commenting will help reach new and upcoming bloggers in your community. I vow to read at least 1/2 blog posts and evening from now on. I’ve really enjoyed it. 

I think I’ve put it off for such a long time as, I’m someone who compares others to me. So by reading other bloggers websites is daunting and scary for me, as I would start to think negatively about my own work. – You know – ‘There blog is better than mine.’ ‘They write better than me’ ‘Gosh there stories are better than mine’. – I took a breath today and started to read and you know something Insiders, I’ve really enjoyed it. 

I must say there are some wonderful blogs out there. I mean full of colour, heart, emotions, laughter and even some have brought a tear to my eye. I bet some of you are thinking, ‘blogging is for people who like the sound of their own voice or that they are people who have huge opinions and want to force them on others’.

– WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. Blogging is a community. A community to share, understand, help and inspire each other. I mean, I have been looking around the blogging community this morning and I have found some breathtaking blogs. I mean blogs that have actually spoken to me on an emotional/personal level. I have also found some funny blogs – blogs that reminded me of my childhood or reinstated how I feel about certain situations. 

I can’t believe that it has taken me this long to understand that this is how blogging works. 

I guess, I just need to take my time when it comes to writing my own blogs and read others to gain inspiration. Plus it helps me to realise that all bloggers go through a hard spell (not being able to think of something to write about).

Also helps me to know that I’m not alone. 

Much Love, 

The Insider x 

EDUCATE, EDUCATE, EDUCATE!

Insiders, I know I’ve spoken about depression quiet a bit, however I think it’s something that people need more awareness and more education on. I know I write a lot of positives about depression and always say that it really doesn’t define who I am or anyone else that suffers from it. It is an illness. I strongly believe that we all need to be more educated about it.

I know, I know, how can I be saying all of this when I’ve just posted a blog saying that I’ve started meditating and this is very therapeutic – However, it doesn’t stop the bad days.

Like yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day. It basically ended with me and my boyfriend going to bed like normal at around 11pm, then all of a sudden BANG I’ll burst into tears. Due to events that’s occurred in the day completely poured out of me. Let me break down my day for you:

I’ve started a new job, literally only about a week into it. It’s been a job that I’ve wanted for a while. I’ve been working so hard for this opportunity. However, a new job comes new challenges and more stress. I have a HUGE fear of failure. Sure when I’m in a good day I can say, failure is a part of life and that’s how we learn but as I’ve said yesterday was not a good day at all (very far from it in fact). – The little voices of doubt come back into my mind. ‘You’re gonna fail, you’re gonna fail’ ‘You’re gonna fail, you’re gonna fail.’ I tried to push these thoughts to the back of my mind. I tried to forget about it, but no matter what I do it was always there.

When these thoughts come into my mind I can look back on how I then reacted to situation. On the back of these thoughts start to wonder and drift away from what I’m doing and it starts to snowball out of control. When this happens it’s as if my whole perception or personality changes. I know, I know, that sounds ridiculous! But when I look back, it’s though I’ve said or acted in a way that’s out of character.

Then everything, swirls around and around, inside my head and I can’t seem to stop the verbal self-abuse. With the snowball effect I then start to feel, worthless, like I’m a constant screw up, a disappointment, like I shouldn’t be here (I’m going to stress, I’m NOT suicidal!!) nor have I ever self harmed. Insiders, imagine feeling that you hate yourself. Imagine feeling/saying that in your head that 10 maybe 15 times a day. It’s tiring and not only that you start to believe it. – I am my own worst enemy.

Not to mention when people at work are all talking in hushed tones, I’ll automatically think that it’s about me. I know it’s not however on my bad days, I’ll think I’ve done something wrong.  I will replay the scenario in my head but it’s not necessarily the true version. It’ll be my own version. My version is one of which that has me at the center of a negative situation – Doing something wrong. This then sets my mind racing with negative possibilities.

All of these negative emotions swirling around on a day-to-day basis  isn’t nice. Especially when I keep it bottled up until my brain overloads and I break down in tears when I’m at home.  – I thank the lord for my boyfriend, such an amazing human being, such amazing support.

I’m not going to lie to you Insiders, when I first got told about depression, I didn’t know much about it myself, I thought that my antidepressants would fix it all. I mean a week to 2 weeks after I started taking them, I felt a wave of relief and thought I was cured. – If only it was that simple.

I really don’t want it to seem all doom and gloom Insiders but I really want to raise awareness for what it’s like in a day of someone with anxiety and depression. – What may be a small issue or task to you is massive to me and others with depression and anxiety.

Just be mindful Insiders, you never know who’s struggling. – Let’s all spread awareness.

Much Love,

The Insider x

Think POSITIVE, It’s Time To CHANGE

I’ve been dealing with how I feel about my image for many years now. I know, I know everyone worries about their weight and the way they look to other people. However the way that I feel about myself feels as though it’s on another level. – Which I’m sure most people feel the same. What sets us all apart is how we each deal with the emotions that whirl around in our head. The feelings of helplessness, fear, hatred and disgust – are all words that my inner voices use about myself.

Read More